Finding the hidden treasures in life

Take a look around your home. Whether it’s the place where you’ve lived for most of your life and where you raised your children, or your fresh- start home, your house is an important part of your life.  Sometimes the things that fill our homes can be reminders of the past, of times best left behind as we strive forward.

So…clean them out! Take stock of what still brings you happiness and serves a purpose in your life.  You’ve heard of the three R’s?  Well, our new project has four: Repurpose, recycle, remove or replace.

This goes for everything: clothes, books, records, dinnerware, throw pillows, souvenirs from trips taken with your ex.  If it doesn’t bring a smile to your face, it doesn’t have a place. Pass it on, donate it, recycle it, toss it out.

This type of cleaning and purging can be difficult, and that’s ok.  You’re once again coming face-to-face with the fact that your life has changed, and what you thought would be at your center is no longer there.  It also provides an opportunity to surround yourself with great new treasures that will set the stage for everything that comes next.

Perhaps you’ll make a trip to a nearby antique or thrift shop to see what great finds are waiting to be unearthed. Or you can choose a style of furniture your ex never liked, but you did. One special piece can make all the difference.

Thrift and antique shops are full of great pieces, in good shape, that you can enjoy owning without breaking the bank.  If you love antiques but your ex was more of a modernist, here’s your opportunity to buy that lovely old mahogany bookcase you’ve had your eye on for years. Always wanted a clawfoot bathtub but was told it was impractical? If you can find it, you can have it delivered and installed. What a treat!

The treasures found in these stores have their own history. They’ve had their own journey. It’s possible the shop owner can tell you a little about the piece’s story, especially if they select their goods from estate sales or have good relationships with families in the area. History can help shape our futures, giving inspiration on what you might do, or become, in the next chapter of your own life.

In the meantime, you’ll create your own space, between the cleaning out and the filling in. Live in that space for a moment. Feel the openness. Notice the room and the absences. Those are little pockets of freedom, blank slates that YOU get to fill in however you’d like.

There’s hidden wonder everywhere: in your home, your things, the treasures you find and, most importantly, in yourself.

As you clear the clutter, realize that you’re stronger than you thought! Take a few minutes to acknowledge that what you’re clearing out – had its place and time in your life.  Now is the time for it, and you, to move on.  Replace with something new- or new for you.

What great strength you have! How wonderful to be able to make selections and feel at peace with your choices. And notice how, with every lampshade, picture frame and rug put aside, it gets a little easier to move on to the next and this exciting next part of your life.

Women’s Equality Day, August 26, 2018

I’m so pleased that there is a day set aside for recognizing women, making a statement about the blessing of Suffrage, the ability to vote and have a voice in our own governance. It took from 1776 to 1920 to acknowledge women in this way, as our culture has developed over more than 2 centuries.  It took Rep. Bella Abzug’s efforts to have this day set aside to recognize the 19^th Amendment to the Constitution, granting women the right to vote.

In these cynical times, when so many have lost confidence in the integrity of our representatives, and even of the process itself, it’s amazing to realize how much power there is in one vote.  There have been several elections recently when less than 1% of the votes cast made the difference between candidates.

So please don’t let the current atmosphere of division and conflict prevent you from exercising this hard-won right to cast your vote.

In the Presidential election of 2016, about 55% of voting age citizens cast ballots.

That measure of turnout is the lowest in a presidential election since 1996, when 53.5% of voting-age citizens turned out.

72% of women citizens in the US were registered to vote in the 2016 election.  22.5% of them reported that they did not vote.

Regardless of how you identify politically, consider that those 22.5% of women who did not vote- could have changed the outcome of the election.

Do  you have a passion for public service?  Do you have a point of view that’s not well-represented?  Are you interested in stepping up to represent your neighbors? Consider running for public office- local, state or national. Do you know a woman in your life who would be great in public leadership?   Nominate her to run today.

Check out the website, sheshouldrun.org.

She Should Run provides women with the encouragement and resources they need to run for office. They have an Ask a Woman to Run tool, to help her get started on a path to public office.

 

Women’s Equality Day is August 26.  Even more important, National Register to Vote Day is September 25, 2018.  Take hold of the right we fought for, and won, as women.  Register and Vote!

 

 

 

 

Take the time to listen

Listen: To yourself, to your children, to your team, especially  when going through a divorce

You know the old saying about having two ears and one mouth so we can listen more than we speak? There’s a lot of truth in that sentiment, but we know how difficult it can be when going through a divorce.

If the divorce is contentious, or if your former spouse is trying to intimidate you out of getting what’s rightfully yours, you might be hearing lots of negative things: criticism of your parenting abilities, your family, about the children’s behavior with you compared to when they’re with the other parent. Those negative, hurtful things might stick in your mind, making you doubt yourself, whether you were a bad spouse or didn’t live up to your potential in the relationship.

These are hard things to ignore when they prey on our worst fears about ourselves as people, as parents and as partners. Try to listen instead to the small voice deep down that reminds you that you did your best, that the divorce is not solely your fault. Listen for those little moments of heartfelt reassurance: you’re a good parent;your kids are fine; you did your best to make the marriage work.

Listen to your team of professionals: attorney/ mediator, Certified Divorce Financial Analyst, therapist-  the people you’ve chosen to help you through the process. They’ll tell you exactly what you need to do and the information you need to provide to get the best possible solution and put yourself on the best path forward. This is what they do, this is what their training has prepared them for; if you’re paying them to help you navigate this difficult time, take their advice to heart and do so with a clear, calm mind.

Listen, also, to your support system. Your friends, especially long-term ones who you trust, can be a  great help now.  Make time for them as a way to help yourself steady the roiling world around you. Talk with them about everything that you’re comfortable sharing.  You can express your concerns and your fears.  Also share any sense of relief, pride or triumph you might have, especially as the divorce proceeds. Friends are here to cheer you on, lift you up and reflect back a truer version of yourself than you can do on your own. Long-time friends have known you at your best and worst; they’ve got stories to remind you of your strength, your ability to get through tough times and they’ll be there to keep you moving forward.

Listen to your family. Sisters, brothers, parents, close aunts and uncles, cousins: They knew you before you met your former spouse. They’ve lived through their own adversity.  Listen to them to find core truths about yourself, to remember that you’re capable and ready for whatever comes next.

Perhaps most importantly, listen to your children. Divorce can be a scary thing for a child, regardless of age, because the only life they’ve known is coming to an end. If your child becomes angrier or more withdrawn as you and your former spouse are splitting up, sit down and, calmly and with love, ask what they are feeling. Be gentle, and really listen to the answer. Is he afraid of never seeing his other parent again, or relatives on your former spouse’s side of the family? Is she angry and conflicted about “having to choose” between parents? Is there any concern at all from your children about “causing” any arguments about the divorce or the separation itself?

Be honest and forthcoming with your children but spare them the details. Remind your children that they are loved by both parents and that nothing will change that, not a divorce, not a move, not any other relationships that might take shape in the future. Reassure your children as often as they – or you – feel is needed. Tell the truth: things are changing, that life will be at least a little different, that you’re all going to be making adjustments, but, at the end of the day, you’re all still a family.  You all love each other and they will  have a safe, happy, loving home in which they are valued and important and loved. Their safety net and support system remains intact.

And every once in a while, listen to the silence. Listen to the stillness. Listen to the sunrise or sunset and take a moment to enjoy the nothingness and quiet. There’s enough shouting and loud conversation and chaos in your life as you go through a divorce: Take that minute or two to breathe deeply and enjoy the peace. Especially on this day, know that others are travelling this path as well.